INDEX
To Women from a Man Who's had Enough
Because I'm a man
Blonde
Not Tonight
The Funeral
Morning
20 Years
Blondes
Ice Fishing
Poison
Measuring a Flagpole
30 Reasons Dogs are Better than Wives
Blonde Policewoman
Blonde Talk
The Ventriloquist
Two Blondes & a Camel
Men's Rules
TEXTS
To Women from a Man Who's had Enough
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is
that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck
with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if
we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as NASCAR, navel lint, the shotgun formation, farts, or
beer.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it
that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.Really!!!.
You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
Crying is STRICTLY blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints
don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say
it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss
sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's
GENETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do
something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. If we ask
what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the
hassle.
What the hell is a doily?
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
A redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a
T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy. As they walk through the ape and gorilla
section, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (No pun intended). He jumps
up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He
suggests that his wife teases the poor ape some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play
along.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let the straps fall to show a
little more skin and cleavage.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars off his
cage.
"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at
him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips.
The husband then grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,
flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you've got a headache!!!
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue
of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
the man walking the dog. 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral
is it?'
The man replied, 'Well, that first hearse is for my wife.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Join the queue.'
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."I
told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I
promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too
easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming
up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with
that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, 'oh shit, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the cat and farted."
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed
with her.
She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the
kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to
be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this
time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send
you to jail
for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
out today."
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish
you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take
away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and
says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for
indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast
is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I
left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How
can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other
side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde
yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We
were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going
to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at
each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you
idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &
Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that
consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and
then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin
and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes,
for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going
on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so
she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went
to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in
a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7
A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little
boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a
brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this
to another!
This guy comes to the pharmacy and asks for a vial of
cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep up a professional posture, asks the
customer what he might need it for.
"Oh" says the guy, "I want to poison my wife".
"I am sorry Sir," says the pharmacist "but you will have to
understand that, under these circumstances, it is impossible for me
to sell you the cyanide."
The guy reaches in to his wallet and pulls out a picture of his
wife and quietly lays it on the sales counter.
The pharmacist blushes and politely remarks "I'm sorry Sir, I
didn't realize you had a prescription".
30 Reasons Dogs are Better than Wives
The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local
police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the
car.
The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she
asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched
frantically in her purse for awhile and finally said to the blonde
policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on
it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found
a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's
license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the
driver and said, "You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have
avoided all this hassle".
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits
down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for economy and
that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class
that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The
co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to and economy place
and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot
says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in
the economy section.? The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to
Melbourne".
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his
knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the
name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
bastard on your knee!"
Every day two blonde women would come out of work together and look for their car. But all the cars in the lot looked the same, so they sat around until all the cars were gone and then they would get in the last car and go home. One blonde said to the other, ''We need to find a faster way to get home.'' So the next day they went to work on a camel. After work they came out and the parking lot was full of camels. So the first blonde went around lifting up the tails of all the camels. The second blonde said, ''What are you doing?'' The first blonde said, ''When we came in today I heard someone yell "'Look at those two assholes on that camel!!'"
Return to IndexWe always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are
the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-
Please note... these are not numbered ON PURPOSE, AS THEY ARE ALL
GOLDEN RULES
· Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.
Don't try to change that.
· Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
· Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
· Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
· Crying is blackmail.
· Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!
· Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
· Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
· A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
· Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7
days.
· If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask
us.
· If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
· You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just
do it yourself.
· Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
· Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.
· ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is
also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
· If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
· If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not
worth the hassle.
· If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
· When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine. Really.
· Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.
· You have enough clothes.
· You have too many shoes.
· I am in shape. Round is a shape.
· Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that,
it's like camping.
Updated 1 April 2004