INDEX
Girl Power
The Princess and the Frog
Women's Brains
Bumper Sticker for Ladies
Ways to Turn Men Down
Professor of Maths and his Wife
Personal Ad
Garden of Eden
Pack of Cards
Husband and Wife Shopping
Middle Age
Fitness Freak
Holiday
Heaven
Pre Mammogram Exercises
Every Woman Should Have
Hermaphrodite
What?
Dusting
The Rope
TEXTS
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb and I also know that I'm not blonde."
-Dolly Parton-
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
-Wendy Liebman-
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given
birth."
-Erma Bombeck-
"I think-therefore I'm single."
-Lizz Winstead-
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country."
-Elaine Boosler-
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson-
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman."
-Margaret Thatcher-
"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home, which serve the same purpose as a
husband.
I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all
afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night."
-Marie Corelli-
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?"
-Linda Ellerbee-
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Once upon a time,
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat,
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: 'Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in your castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever
Feel grateful and happy doing so.'
That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:
'I don't f****** think so.'
Return to IndexIn the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. You will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time,someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Return to Index 1. So many men, so few who can afford me.Professor of Maths and his Wife
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake,
but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll
lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard
time.
But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill
things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been
complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish
things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too
smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and
self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him
first.
Just remember, it's our little secret... "You know, woman to
woman."
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I
just came from having a mammography and the doctor says I have the
breasts ofan 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
Return to Index
"You know my dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of
your girdles." This was a bit over the top, but she controls
herself and doesn't reply.
Next morning, the man wakes his wife with a pinch on the
breast.
"You know my love, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your
bras."
This is going too far. She rolls over, grabs him by the d**k, and,
maintaining a vice-like grip, whispers in his ear,
"You know my dear, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the
postman and the gardener."
A man spent 2 weeks in Hong Kong.While there he was very promiscuous.Basically he screwed everything in sight.A week after returning home he stepped into the shower and noticed his "man part" had turned green and yellow.He ran to the Doctor's office to see what it was.The Doctor said he had no idea what it could be and would have to run some tests and get back to him.Two days later, the Doctor calls and says he has a very rare disease: Mongolian VD.The man asks, "So what do I do? Have a shot or take some pills!?"The Doctor says, "No, it's more serious than that. We have to amputate your penis.""Whoa! says the man", I want a second opinion.So he goes to a Chinese Doctor thinking he'll probably know what to do.As soon as he drops his pants the Chinese Doctor says, "Ah. You have very rare disease: Mongolian VD.""That's what my Doctor said, and he wants to amputate my penis.""Oh no, says the Chinese Doctor. Canadian Doctors too quick to operate. No need to amputate.""Thank God" says the man.Chinese Doctor says, "no need to amputate; three---four days, it fall off all by itself."
"Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the
other line for the men that were dominated by their women.Also, I
want all the women to go with St. Peter."With that said and done,
the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two
lines.The line of the men that were dominated by their women was
100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women,
there was only one man.God got mad and said, "You men should be
ashamed of yourselves.I created, you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates.Look at the only one of my sons that stood up
and made me proud.Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you
manage to be the only one in this line?"And the man replied, "I
don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no
need to worry.
By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and
doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally
prepared.And you can do this right in your own home!
Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box.
Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on
the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your
breath).
Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your
Mammogram!
Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of
the cement floor is just perfect.
Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one
breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is
sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it
again!!
CONGRATULATIONS! And just a thought for all you women out
there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...one old love she can imagine going back to...
and one who reminds her how far she has come...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...enough money within her control to move out and
rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs
to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..a youth she's content to leave behind...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it
in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace
bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
..one friend who always makes her laugh
... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in
her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for
a meal that will make her guests feel honored..
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
...a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...when to try harder...
and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its
over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
...where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
..what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said
women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when
he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study
results.
It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000"
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said "Its because we
have to repeat everything we say."
"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the
furniture."
I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent
CLEANING!
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things
were just perfect -"in case someone came over".
Then I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out
living life and having fun!
Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition"
of my home.
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been
doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or
write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference
between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with rivers to swim
and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to
cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your
eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of
rain.
This day will not come around again.
Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not
kind.
And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more
dust!
Eleven people were hanging from a rope under a helicopter while
being rescued from a flood -- ten men and one woman. The rope was
not strong enough to hold them all, so they decided that one person
had to let go of the rope to keep them ALL from falling to their
deaths. They couldn't decide how to choose fairly who should let
go, so the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she
would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was
used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men
in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
their hands...
Updated 15 January 2004