INDEX
Women and Tea Bags
A Women's Dilemma
Dominating Wives
Men are Like..
Things you should teach your daughters
The Blonde and the Bank
Husbands and Wives
The Cowboy and the Lesbian
Female Prayer
Three bears
Christmas trees with "ornaments"
Miscellaneous Funnies
The Beach
The Blanket
Coffee
What a Woman Wants in a Man
Top 10 He Said / She Said
I'll Do Anything For You, He Said
Why Marriage?
The Next Survivor Series
Santa's Reindeer
Lonely Little Brain Cell
Lost Chapter of Genesis
Brains
TEXTS
"Women are like Tea Bags, you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water"!
Return to Index1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no
money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money
think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some
money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??
Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on
them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with....
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington,that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing, The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast dinner." (The crowd cheered)
The second speaker, a lady from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well."(The crowd again cheered)
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Affa lass year's confrence, I wen' 'ome an tole da lazy 'usband o' mines, Dingo Jack,
I was froo picking up 'is beer cans, cookin' 'is tucker an washin''is undaweah an dat 'e was gunna haf ta do em 'imself." (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.)
She continued......... "Affa da firs' day, I nevah see nuffin. Affa da secon' day, I nevah see nuffin, but affa da fird day, I could see a little bit outa me leff eye."
Return to IndexMen are like ... Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first
time, you can walk all over them for years.
Men are like ... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't
generate much interest.
Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure
why.
Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep
you up all night.
Men are like ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but
that's about it.
Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so longto mature.
Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.
Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
Men are like ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and
the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
Men are like ... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose
interest.
Men are like ... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they
are.
Men are like ... Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still
see right through them.
Best of all,
Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the s**t out of
you......
Things you should teach your daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in
diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the
door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well - they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that
you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity
to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too
old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40
years.
*Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.<
Return to Index
A blonde walks into a bank in Dublin and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to New York on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Mercedes as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Mercedes into the bank's undergound garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies..."Where else in Dublin can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Return to IndexA couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss
you."
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you I wanted to make love to
you really, really bad."
She said, "Well you succeeded."
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and burp."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive
man?
A: A rumor
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma".
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would
grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip
around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned
to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,
working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a
cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about
women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence until she left.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
MALE PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
pub.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!", he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to
go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first.
It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee.
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away.
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper.
It was Momma Bear who set the damn table.
It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter
box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And, now that you've decided to drag our sorry bear-asses
downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more
time:
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET"
Christmas trees with "ornaments"
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises
are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man's penis
goes through three phases...
In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree"A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves
assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to
sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower
berth.
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea.
Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."
The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own f***ing blanket."
Return to IndexA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and
then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and shows him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says ............
"HEBREWS"
What is Wanted in a Man (Original List - Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
What is Wanted in a Man (Revised List - Age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at his lady's jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
What is Wanted in a Man (Revised List - Age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until his lady is in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when his lady is talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
What is Wanted in a Man (Revised List - Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when his lady is ranting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers his lady's name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
What is Wanted in a Man (Revised List - Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
What is Wanted in a Man (Revised List - Age 72)
1.Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet!
I'll Do Anything For You, He Said
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man
noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
(As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he
leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00
... on one condition." (There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words." (controlling huh?).
The woman considered his proposition for a moment then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
slowly, and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house."
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the
milk for free".
Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why?
Because women realise its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to
get a little sausage.
Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4
kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes
music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house
clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do
laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and
all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and
......... there is NO REMOTE.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they must
apply themselves, either while driving or while making four
lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick
children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six
toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat
a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.
The last man wins, only if he has enough energy to be intimate with
his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again
for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be
called "Mother."
One more thing, they cannot kill themselves or the kids, or they
automatically get voted off.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both
male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen
had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to
drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one
night and not get lost.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around
nervously, but everywhere was empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel scared and alone and
yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away,
"We're down here."
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't
have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it
would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook
for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for
you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not
nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history.....................
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and
asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?"
Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Updated 1 April 2004