INDEX
The Truth
Something to think about!
Considerate Husband!
Don't Mess with Seniors
Conversations
Retirees
The Perks of Being Over 60
Shoulda bought a hat!
Old Is
Miscellaneous Tales
Visit to the Doctor
Surgery
A Well Planned Life
Middle Age
Getting Older
TEXTS
An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man
says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th
wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of
contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always
wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to
me?"
She hesitates a moment, then says, "Yes, three times, Sidney."
"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly, "Well, do you remember right
after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going
to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, dear, that was really a terrible time" replies the man.
Marsha continued, "And remember when I went to see the banker one
night and the next day the bank extended our loan?"
"That's hard to take" the man says, "but I guess it really was for
us, so I can forgive you. What was the second time?"
"Well," she continued, "do you remember years later when you almost
died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the
operation?"
"Yes, of course" the man replies.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor,
he did your operation at no cost?"
She explained. "That's true"
Sidney nodded. "That shocks me, Marsha, but I do understand that
you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you.
So, what was the third time?"
Marsha lowers her head and says, "Sidney, do you remember when you
ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more
votes...?"
If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's and you're now
looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we
have.......!
Our cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags.
Riding in the back of an open top car on a warm day was always a
special treat.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cupboards,
and when we rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We spent hours building go-carts out of scrap and then riding them
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
We'd leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.......no one was able to reach
us all day.
No mobile phones.......unthinkable !
We got cut and broke bones, lost teeth, and there were no law suits
arising from these accidents......because they were accidents
......... we had no one to blame but ourselves.
We had fights and punched each other, we got black and blue and
learned to get over it.
We ate stodgy cakes, bread and butter and drank cordial, but we
were never overweight, probably because we were always outside
running around and playing.
We shared one drink with four friends.....and no one died.
We had no Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, Video games or
Satellite TV channels.
No Videos, Surround sound or Personal Stereos.
No Personal Computers or Internet chat rooms .
We just had friends who we went outside to find.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the
door.
Sometimes we would just walk in and talk to them ....... imagine
such a thing nowadays.........out, without a parent !
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls, we ate worms, and
although we were often told it would happen, the worms never lived
inside us forever and ate us up!
We had football and netball tryouts but not everyone made the team
...... those who didn't had to learn to deal with
disappointment.
Some students weren't as bright as others so they failed exams and
were held back to take them again.........tests were never adjusted
for any reason.
Our actions were our own and we had to suffer the consequences,
there was no-one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard
of ...... they actually sided with the law, just imagine that!
Our generation has produced some of the bravest risk-takers and
best problem solvers in history.
The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility ....... and we
learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them..........Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the good luck to grow up
as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives!!!
How To Be A Considerate Husband
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this,
they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the
situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed
that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from
fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try
not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not
as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times
each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, my
wife used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not
get tired. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she
finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook
it. Not only that, unless I need something ironed to wear to
Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I
will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I
have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and
scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
She is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind
you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to
try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's
just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she
needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for
a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock
so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I
know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife
on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will
find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating
women can become as they get older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less
often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
worthwhile.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Can't get another
for two more years.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty
trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered and
hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.
Three old guys out walking.
First one says. "Windy isn't it?"
Second one says, "No it's Thursday"
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer".
********************
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing
aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a
physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: "Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur.
Be careful."
***********************
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his
wife with endearing terms- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to
hishost, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years you
still call
your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head and said. "I forgot her name about 10
years ago".
Return to Index
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable
size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
An elderly couple is vacationing in Texas. Bob always wanted a
pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he
buys them, wears
them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice
anything different, Helen?" Helen looks him over, "Nope."
Bob says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?"
Helen looks again, "Nope."
Frustrated Bob storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks
back into
the room completely naked except for his new boots. Again, he asks
a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday and it will be hanging down
again tomorrow."
Furious Bob yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a
hat."
Return to Index
Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going
the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
Hell," said Herman, "Its not just one car. Its hundreds of
them!"
Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an intersection.The stoplight was red, but they just went on
through!
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through!
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road
and the next intersection.At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh crap, am I driving?"
Nursing Home
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The
next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and
set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower
garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to
catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back
and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home.
So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they
ask.
"Its pretty nice," she replies. "Except they wont let you
fart."
Romance
An older
couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
An elderly couple went in together for their annual medical
examinations. After examining the man, the doctor said, "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife
the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have
sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?"
The wife replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor
then asked, "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any
idea why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied."That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
December!"
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak
to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is
going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in
school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a
preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well
planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four
to go."
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money
Return to IndexYou know you are getting older when:
Almost everything hurts. What doesn't hurt, doesn't work
anymore.
It feels like the morning after the night before, and you haven't
been anywhere.
All the names in your little black book end in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You still chase women but have forgotten why.
You turn out the lights for economic not romantic reasons.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You try to straighten the wrinkles in your socks and find you
aren't wearing any.
Updated 15 January 2004