INDEX
New Hat
Mutual Orgasm
Two Onions
Elderly Couple
TEXTS
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the
wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing
up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know." said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!"said the
gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go
by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and
Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual
orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and
said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Return to IndexAn elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in
a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years
ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I
made love to you.
Yes," she says, "I remember it well.
" Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we
can do it for old time's sake.
" Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see
these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows
them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,
aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern
and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt,
takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man
moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like
eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear
life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he
was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You
must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you
manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together.
Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence."
Updated 1 April 2004