INDEX
Retail trade if run by airline
Airline Attendants
Airline Maintenance
Finnair
Airline Service
Airfares Explained
Airline Monkeys
Planes and Trucks
Female Flight Crew
Irish Flight Crew
Why Airplanes are better than Women
Airline Communications
TEXTS
How would the retail world operate if it were run by airlines?
Customer: How much is your paint?
Shopkeeper: Well, sir that all depends
Customer: Depends on what?
Shopkeeper: On a lot of things, actually.
Customer: How about just giving me an average price?
Shopkeeper: Thats too hard a question - the lowest price is AUD9 a
gallon and we have 150 different prices up to AUD200 a gallon.
Customer: Whats the difference in the paint?
Shopkeeper: There isnt any difference - its all the same paint.
Customer: Then Id like some of the AUD9 paint.
Shopkeeper: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do
you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Shopkeeper: Sorry sir, the paint for tomorrow is the AUD200
paint.
Customer: What? When would be I have to paint in order to get the
AUD9 paint?
Shopkeeper: That would be in three weeks, but youd also have to
agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue
painting till at least Sunday.
Customer: Youve got to be kidding!!
Shopkeeper: Sir, we dont kid around here. Of course Ill have to
check to see whether weve got any of that paint available before I
can sell it to you.
Customer: What do mean, Check to see whether you can sell it to me.
You've got shelves full of the stuff. I can see it right there.
Shopkeeper: Sir, just because you see it, doesnt mean we have it.
It may be the same paint, but we only sell a certain number of
gallons on any given weekend.
Oh, and by the way - the price has just gone up AUD12.
Customer: What do you mean? Youre telling me the price just went up
while we were talking?
Shopkeeping: Yes sir. You see, we change the prices and the rules
thousands of times a day, and since you havent actually walked out
of the store with your
paint yet, weve just decided to change. Unless you want the same
thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your
purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I dont know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should
buy six gallons, just to make sure I have enough.
Shopkeeper: No sir, you cant do that. If you buy the paint and then
dont use it, youll be liable for penalties and possible
confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: I dont believe it!!
Shopkeeper: Thats right. We can sell you enough paint to do your
kitchen, bathroom, hall and front bedroom, but if you stop painting
before the bedroom, you are in violation of out tariffs.
Customer: What does it matter to you whether I use all paint? Ive
already paid for it.
Shopkeeper: Sir, theres no point in getting upset. Thats just the
way it is. We make plans based on the idea that youll use all the
paint and when you dont use it all it causes us all sorts of
problems.
Customer: This is crazy. I suppose something will happen if I dont
keep painting until after Saturday night.
Shopkeeper: Youre dead right.
Customer: Well, that does it. Im going somewhere else to buy my
paint.
Shopkeeper: That wont do you any good, sir. We all have the same
rules.
Yield Management lives !!!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee..."There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with their's. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the P.A. and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exit, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot."what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
17. A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland.
The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back
and relax - SH*T! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the
flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my
lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said,
"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers.
After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required
to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots'
squawks.
(P- The problem logged by the pilot. S - The solution and action
taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm
descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be
Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
While taxiing past aircraft stands, and noticing some passengers boarding the rear entrance of a Finnair DC9, the Captain remarked to the First Officer: "Look at all those people disappearing into Finnair."
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed; a
beautiful young woman sitting next to him.;
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she; must be a
flight attendant. But which airline does she; work for?";
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and; uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?";
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he; immediately thought to
himself, "Guess she doesn't work; for Delta".;
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.; He leaned
towards her again, "Something special in the; air?";
She gave him the same blank look.; He mentally kicked himself, and
scratched American; Airlines off the list.; Next he tried the
United slogan: "I would really love; to fly your friendly
skies?";
This time the woman turned on him, "What the fuck do; you
want?";
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and; said..."Ahhh,
Qantas!"
Plane-truck collision described as accident TAIPEI, Taiwan
Yong Kay, director of the Aviation Safety Council (ASC), yesterday
described as a mere accident a collision between a truck on the
runway and a landing TransAsia Airway Airbus at Tainan last
Friday.
Yong told a press conference the mishap was not a crash or an
incident involving aviation safety.
"It was regarded as a runway accident," Yong said.
He said ASC and air force investigators are ascertaining the cause
of the accident, in which only two men on the truck were slightly
injured.
The accident occurred 7.5 seconds after the GE301 flight touched
down on Runway 36 at Tainan Airport at 1005 p.m., Yong said.
The Airbus took off from Taipei's Sungshan Airport at 10:02
p.m.
Three trucks were on the runway, Yong said. The runway was under
repair. Two of the trucks, facing the landing airliner, veered to
avoid collision head on, Yong said. "The other one, running in the
same direction on the runway and with the driver failing to see the
approaching plane, was hit from behind," he added.
Air traffic controllers gave the Airbus pilot permission to land at
1004 p.m.
The Airbus touched down at 1,320 meters on the runway and hit the
truck at 2,534 meters, Yong said.
The truck was destroyed, with debris scattered over the end of the
runway.
None of the 175 passengers and crew members aboard the jetliner
were injured.
All three trucks entered the runway at 1000 p.m., Yong said. "But
the TransAsia flight was delayed," he added. It landed 45 minutes
later than scheduled.
Visibility was fine, about 10 kilometers, at the time of the
accident, Yong said. "The weather was fine," he added. Other
meteorological data is being collected, Yong said. The curfew
starts at the airport at 1000 p.m.
However, the control tower gave the permission to land to the
Airbus, which was delayed.
In that event, Yong said, all the vehicles on the runway had to
leave at once.
Air Force personnel were involved in the repair of the runway.
"We are investigating the cause of the accident in cooperation with
military personnel," Yong said.
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your
destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her
right is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and
soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he
said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
cockpit."
"That's another thing", said the attendant, "we no longer call it
the cockpit. Now it's the box office."
Irish Air Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one
night,with Paddy, the pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they
approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway
is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be
one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in
reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps
down straight away" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem
brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de
Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus. So they approached the
runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in
reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to
Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing
of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt
centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy
and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit
regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and
said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have
EVER seen in me whole life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied: "Yeah Paddy, but
look how fookin wide it is"
Return to Index
Why Airplanes are better than Women
Airplanes usually kill you quickly ...a woman takes her
time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch....
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"....
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection....
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation....<
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits....
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month....
Airplanes don't come with in-laws....
Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've
flown
before....
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time....
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes....
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines....
Airplanes expect to be tied down....
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills....
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong....
However...when airplanes go quiet...just like women...it's usually
not good.
The following are accounts of alleged actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f*cking
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little
Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of
the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52
that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the
flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new pilot."
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa: "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why
must I
speak English?"
Voice from another airplane with British accent: "Because you lost the
bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact
Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make
it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn't
land."
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a
United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!
I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get
it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown
pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
married
to you once?"
Updated 1 March 2005