INDEX
An Australian, a Sheep and a Dog
Vet Bills
Camel and Elephant
A Bear and a Rabbit
The Bat
Fleas
A Cat Story
The Dingo, the Monkey and the Leopard
Widdle Wabbit
TEXTS
An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he
laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope,
placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the
Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has
passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any
testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he
returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to
work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out
thoroughly.After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever
sadly shook his head and went, "Woof."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few
moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times
and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off
the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do..." and he
handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal, "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead?
This is outrageous!"
Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the
Cat Scan, the charges went up."
A camel and a elephant met. The elephant asked the camel :
"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"
The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replies:
"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his
face."
Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and
one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came
across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I
don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the
frog had talked to them.
The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I
always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this
case.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest
were females. The frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his
second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring
forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him,
and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had
wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his
head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the
world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in
the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr.
Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I
wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered
in fresh blood & parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him
get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds
of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across
a river & into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down
& all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues
hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES YES YES !!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I f***ing didn't!"
Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.
And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go
on;
While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so
on.
-- Augustus De Morgan: A Budget of Paradoxes, p. 377.
Return to IndexYou don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone
line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the
backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the
house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always
tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man
in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be
empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out
soon."He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took
so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding
under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
The Dingo. the Monkey and the Leopard
A wealthy Australian man (yes, we still have a few left) decided
to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along
for company.
One day, the Dingo started chasing butterflies and before long, he
discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention
of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poo now!"
He noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching
cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims
loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder
if there are any more around there?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dingo nearly had
me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade
it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo
sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures
that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious
at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and
see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie canine."
Now the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "Struth, what am I going to do now?" But instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close
enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where the bloody hell's that
monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard."
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks
into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so
that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabby
or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabby over there?"
She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice; "I don't fink my python
weally gives a phuck."
Updated 1 April 2004