INDEX
Performance Appraisal
Professional Services
The Herald Sun's 25 Best Newspaper Headlines
of 2000
Three Engineers
Understanding Engineers
Consumer Labels
The Mechanic
Enron - How it was Done
Noah - Only too True!!
Whose job?
Business Maths
Trainee
New Initiative
Who's in Charge?
Company Policy
Workplace Vocabulary
Superior Service
Auditor
TEXTS
- Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
- I would not allow this associate to breed.
- This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.
- This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
better.
- This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
- So dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray- Ban sun-glasses, Jovial Swiss wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the grazing
sheep and replies, "Okay."
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the
mobile-fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS,
opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with logarithms, then
prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep
here."
The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his jeep. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not?"
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant."
"How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the
shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me
a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't
understand anything about my business. Now can I have my dog
back?"
The Herald Sun's 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 2000
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of
the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that
maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows,
get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it'll
work!?"
1.Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw it on the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes wouldn't have fitted."
2. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
3. A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's wrong with these blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The vicar said, "Look, here comes the greenkeeper, let's have a word with him."
"Morning George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenkeeper replied, "That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free."
The group was silent for a moment. The vicar said, "That's sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist pal and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
4. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemised account of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 - Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
5. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
6. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it
work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
7. Three engineering students were discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
put a toxic waste outlet in a recreational area?"
8. "Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet."
9. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" said the others. "Yes"
said the Engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go to
the office and get some work done."
10. An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and
returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's
the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And
that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not
turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (As night follows the day.)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot
to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would
hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS
FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open
packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does
not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents
for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening
somewhere? ... Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on
food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the
Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison
control." (Oh please, have you ever heard about someone dying from
swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before
distributing in washing machine." (Hey, no more swimming in the
washing machine kids .... Aww you mean we have to use the swimming
pool?)
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW,
when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take
a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc
can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the vehicle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can
open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I
finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get paid
chump change and you're making the big bucks, when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic..... "Try doing it with the engine running!"
In case you were wondering how Enron came into so much trouble,
here is an explanation reputedly given by a Texas A&M professor
to explain it in terms his students could understand.
Capitalism
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a
tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by your CFO who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
six more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is
declaring bankruptcy?
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh
is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark."
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an
Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year.
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
all the seas of the earth went into a tumult The Lord saw Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction
and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety
Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge
a Rezoning Application with City Council & it is now with the
Land & Environment court.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced
the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the
wood to save the kookaburras. However, National Parks &W
wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no
kookaburras.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters
on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when
I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on Your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.
Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a complete set of UBDs & Gregory's. Right now, I
am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal mployment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that
I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid
paying taxes. I also have to wait for the registration of my ABN
for the GST. I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that
I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as
a "recreational water craft."
I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about
how to classify the craft.
I am getting continual visits from Green Peace, RSPCA, Work
Cover, Sheriff's Office & numerous other government
departments.
Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts
to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. Government bureaucracy
already has."
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did
it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done!
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one
dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down
the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Match in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is
$600?
Please be advised that post Enron/WorldCom etc the following
will now be the accepted standard industry definitions for these
financial abbreviations.
Please take note when making reference to these in your
research:
- EBIT = Earnings Before Irregular Tampering
- CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
- CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
- NAV = Nominal Andersen Valuation
- PE = Parole Entitlement
- EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence
- PE = Potential Embezzlement
And of course, EBITDA - Earnings Before I Tricked Da
Auditor...
Updated 15 January 2004