INDEX
Cobol Programmer
Computer Helpline
Computer Gender
Girlfriend 1.0
Another Girlfriend
Computer Diagnosis
Microsoft Cars
Computer Haiku
ID Ten T
Why Computers Crash
Viruses
Australian Outback IT Definitions
Curtains
Love 2.0
Viruses to Beware of
Bill Gates in 2050
WORK Virus Alert
TEXTS
There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000.
But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere."That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"
"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10,000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were
two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
4. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
5. Big power surges in the evening knock them out for the rest of the
night.
The women won.
There are many versions of this tale. This seems the most complete
I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all
along as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases
have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run GirlFriend in
background mode with the sound turned off.
But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the
sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend
who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0.
He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend
2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run
properly.
He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled
itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta.
All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it
it gave me a virus.
I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0.
This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus
protection program.
It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0
was still in my system
Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know
about that automatically senses the presence of any other version
of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions!
The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems.
Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I
think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
than the desired functionality.
Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually
have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally
"object-oriented".
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
of GirlFriend.
He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you
don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did.
But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he
describes as a "huge resource hog".
It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything
else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it
came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0.
Well it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
Plug-Ins he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system
before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he
heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall
itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient
resources.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten
dollars... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and
waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some
tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife
and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better.
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would then have to pull over to the side of the road, close all
of the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows
before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case
you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would
run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would
asll be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning
light or a warning "You have performed an illegal operation."
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to
learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine
off.
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
-------------------------------
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
-------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
-------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
-------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
-------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-------------------------------
First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-------------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
-------------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
-------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
-------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
-------------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
-------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
-------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
-------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
-------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Isn't that better than : "your computer has performed an illegal
operation" ?
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having
trouble with her computer.
So she called John, the computer guy, over to her desk.
John clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was
wrong?"
John replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T
error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"
He gave her a grin, ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"
"No," replied Judy.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T
( Read this one ALOUD )
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gouge.
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
WELL! That certainly clears things up for ME.
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
emails everyone about what it did
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole
computer goes down.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't
care.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves,
but it will be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5
inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
Australian Outback IT Definitions
Log On - Make the barbie hotterA blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman:
"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer
screen".
The surprised salesman replies: - "But madam, computers do not have
curtains...".
The blonde said: - "Helloooo.... I've got
Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Return to Index
Tech Support: Yes Ma'am, how can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What
do I do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart. Have you
located your heart Ma'am?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running Ma'am?
Customer: Let's see, I have past-hurt, low self-esteem, grudge, and
resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase past-hurt from
your current operating system.
It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer
disrupt other programs.
Love will eventually override low self-esteem with a module of it's
own called high self-esteem.
However, you have to completely turn off grudge and resentment.
Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off Ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me
how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
forgiveness.
Do this as many times as necessary until grudge and forgiveness
have completely erased.
Customer: Okay done, Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program.
You need to begin connecting to other hearts in order to get the
upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says,
"error-program not run on external components." What should I
do?
Tech Support: Don't worry Ma'am, It means the Love program is
set-up to run on internal hearts but has not yet been run on your
heart.
In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others. Customer: So what should I do?
Tech Support: Can you pull down self-acceptance; then click on the
following files:
Forgive-self; Realize your worth; Acknowledge your limitations.
Customer: OK, done.
Tech Support: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching
faulty programming. Also, you need to delete verbose self-criticism
from all directories and empty your recycle bin to make sure it is
completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are
copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but
eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.
So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang-up.
Love is Freeware.
Be sure to give it and it's various modules to everyone you
meet.
They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules
back to you.
Customer: I promise to do just that. By the way, what's your
name?
Tesch Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as
the Great Physician, or just "I AM."
Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay
heart-healthy; but the manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily
maintenance schedule for maximum Love efficiency. KEEP IN
TOUCH.
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus.. (Causes your computer to think it won
the election, even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought
it.)
THE AL GORE Virus... (Causes your computer to just keep
counting.)
THE CLINTON Virus... (Gives you a Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of
an old floppy.)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus... (Saves your data, but forgets where it
is stored.)
THE JESSE JACKSON virus... (Warns you constantly about illegitimate
file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the
background.)
THE MIKE TYSON virus... (Quits after two bytes.)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100
mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200mb.)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files.)
THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files.)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus.. (Terminates some files, leaves,
but will be back.)
And last but not least....
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard driveinto a 3.5
inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)
In 2050 AD Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself
in Purgatory being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the
world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let
you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between
the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it
will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. He saw a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running
around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The
sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very
pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to
see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It
was > nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I
think I prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire
to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found
Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark
cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this
happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and
the beautiful > women playing in the water, and everything else
wonderful that I saw?"
God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."
I've just got news of a new virus circulating called "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail,
or from anyone else - do not touch it under any circumstances. The
virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with WORK, take two
friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order drinks and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realise you do not have five friends, you are already
infected by this virus.
Updated 15 January 2004