INDEX
Children's Logic
Children's Quotes
The Story of Aunt Pam
Little Johnny
Marriage
Hail to Grandma's House
Great Truths
Don't Argue with Children
Always do your homework
What Sixth Graders Know!
Out of the Mouths
Why Parents Have Grey Hair
TEXTS
TEACHER: Jane, why are you doing your maths sums on the
floor?
JANE: You told me to do it without using tables!
TEACHER: Pei Yu, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PEI YU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
PEI YU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spelt it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH : "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Rachel, go to the map and find North America.
RACHEL : Here it is !
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Rachel !
TEACHER: Camelia, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
CAMELIA: Me!
TEACHER : Why are you late?
GEOK LING: Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
GEOK LING: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
XUE ER: Dad, can you sign in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. Where do you want me to sign ?
XUE ER: On the report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
ANDREA: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
insects?
MARILYN: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Juliana, give me a sentence starting with "I".
JULIANA: I is...
TEACHER: No, Juliana. Always say, "I am."
JULIANA: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
MAE YAN: You said it was my lunch money
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in
anotherhand, what do I have?
CINDY : Big hands!
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, Would you like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"?
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly
away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream.
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6" replies Johnny.
"But that's right!"
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a
mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to
use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight,
but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!" s
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise
for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity like that."
Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to do that! I'd do
it for free!"
Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
could buy?"
Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on
three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two
sluts and a
fag."
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns.
Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out.
Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck.
Ricky, age 10
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Great Truths about Life, that Little Children Have Learned.
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. Irritated, the teacherreiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm
drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy
mother, "she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy
Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped
me catch him."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother
had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then
said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there
were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer", or "That's
Michael, he's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher. She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I
stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I
would turn red in the face."
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position,the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty!
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and
you'll get fired!".
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the
question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size
when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The
body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is
pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have
three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your
homework. M/p>
The following were answers provided by 6th graders during
history tests. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the
misspelling.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died
before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah "
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot
clipper.
12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.
13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
Regained.
14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
still dead.
15. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14,
1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one
of the acters in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He
was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.
20. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species.
21. Madman Curie discovered the radio.
22. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is
the groom wearing black?"
A little girl dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could,trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her
dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to
"honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going
to have a wife."
The Manager of a large company needed to speak to one of his
employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers.
He dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the Manager asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the Manager asked.
To his surprise, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the Manager asked, "Is your
Mother there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
Updated 15 January 2004