INDEX
Engineers and Lawyers
Marriage
Never ask a Question if not Prepared for the
Answer
TEXTS
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ... you're in
the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and
is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and
escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air
conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling
what this engineer is going to come up with next!"
God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He
should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an
engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God replies threateningly: "Send him back up here or I'll
sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just
where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a
fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get
married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer. .. . for a couple of
months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the
eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking
somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get
married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find
a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to
find a lawyer!?
Never ask a Question if not Prepared for the Answer
In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called
his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly
woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he
has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought
the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and
in a very quiet voice, said "if either of you bastards asks her if
she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
Updated 1 April 2004