INDEX
Doctors Experiences
Doctors Signs
Doctor's Receptionist
Things Could be Worse
Having a Bad Day?
Headaches
Four-Letter Word
Story from a Mental Hospital
Doctor's Surgery
When Medical Typists are Tired
Diet Secrets
Bleeding
Stomach Complaint
TEXTS
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more
than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover
your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top
line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked;
he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing
too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
see...
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for
about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how was your
breakfast this morning?"
"It was very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labelled "KY Jelly."
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep
off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the
lawn".
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up asign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with that sign,so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No
go.
Next they tried, "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down
again.
Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives." Still not
good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried,
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Neither did, "Analysis and Anal Cysts,".... "Nuts and Butts,
"Freaks and Cheeks," or, "Loons and Moons," work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a
business slogan which they thought might be acceptable to the
council........
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section.
You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and
Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read
it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
tested"
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and
Johnson Company."
Have a nice week and remember, there is always someone with a worse
job than yours.
Return to Index
This may make you feel a little better!
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about
11a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had
something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred
around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors
and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves
what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the
evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Return to Index
Jack was enjoying his life and his career but as he got older he
was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
referred from one specialist to another he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches" said the doctor
"the bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very
rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the
base of your spine.The pressure causes one hell of a headache. The
only way to remove the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer but decided
he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the
hospital his mind was clear but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a
men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need. A new suit My
wife buys a new hat when she is sad and that always cheers her
up"
He entered the store and told the salesman"I'd like a new suit"
The salesman eyed him briefly and said " Let"s see......size 42
long"
Jack laughed "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job"
Jack tried on the suit.It fitted perfectly.As Jack eyed himself in
the mirror the salesman asked " How about a new shirt?"
"Sure " said Jack.
The salesman said "Let's see......36 sleeve 15 1/2 neck"
Jack was surprised "That's right. How did you know?"
"It's my job."
The salesman said "How about new shoes?" "Sure " said Jack
The salesman eyed Jack's feet."Let's see 9 and 1/2 narrow."
Jack was astonishes. "How did you know?"
"It's my job."
"How about a new hat?"
"Sure" said Jack
"Let's see,.....7 and 5/8"
Jack was incredulous."How did you know?"
"It's my job."
The salesman asked"how about some new underwear?"
Thinking for a second Jack said "Sure"
The salesman eyed him up and down and said "Size 36"
Jack said "I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old"
The salesman shook his head" NO NO NO. You can't wear size 34. Not
yousir.
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you the most incredible headaches..."
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a
four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the
bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good
news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged
because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another
patient, I think you've regained your senses".
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself
in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's
dead".
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
dry."
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining
of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him "What the
hell did you do to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in
my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my
wife especially as the balcony door was open. I rushed out but did
not find anyone. As I looked down I saw a man running out of the
building getting dressed as he ran. I grabbed the fridge and threw
it at him, that's how I strained my back"
A 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says "My previous patient looked bad, but you look
terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now.
Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and
was running late. I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by
a fridge."
A 3rd patient arrives looking even worse than the other two. The
doctor is shocked and again asks, "What the hell happened to
you?"
"Well, I was sitting in a fridge when someone threw it from the
3rd floor!"
When Medical Typists are Tired
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.
3. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in
1993.
4. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
5. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
6. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
7. She is numb from her toes down.
8. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
9. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.
11. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
12. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
13. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we
should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Canadians,
British or Americans.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
Canadians, British or Americans.
Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Canadians, British or Americans.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart
attacks than Canadians, British or Americans .
Russians drink a lot of vodka and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Canadians,
British or Americans.
Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer
fewer heart attacks than Canadians, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
An Essex girl is out driving one day when her car skids at a
roundabout and hits the car in front.
As she’s injured, an ambulance is called and a paramedic quickly
arrives.
‘What’s your name, love?’ he asks. ‘Sharon,’ she replies.
Looking around, the medic sees there’s a lot of blood.
‘Sharon,’ he asks, ‘where are you bleeding from?’ ‘Romford,’ she
replies.
One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to his
doctor to see what can be done about it.
The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his
condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse
every six hours.
‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for
you.’
The man bends down and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his
hole.
He then gives the man his course and sends him home.
At home six hours later the man realizes that he can’t stick the
suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to
help him insert the slippery bullet.
After explaining to her what to do the man bends over.
His wife puts one hand on her husband’s shoulder to brace herself and
thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse.
To her horror, the man lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream.
‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’
‘No,’ replies the man.
‘But I’ve just realized that when the doctor did it he had both hands
on my shoulders.’
Updated 1 March 2005