INDEX
Men and Women - How to be politically
correct
Men and Women
Englishman, Aussie and a South
African
A Lonely Guy
Mystery of Life Explained
Rapid Response
Three Guinnesses
Flat on His Face
Odd Diseases
Old Folks Home
Military Language
Never underestimate the intelligence of a
mother
Parrot
CIA Test
Headache Problem
1st Divorce after 11 Sept 2001
Shopping Center
Frying Pan
TEXTS
Men and Women - Politically Correct
How to speak about WOMEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
How to speak about MEN and be POLITICALLY CORRECT:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.
The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got f****d
up.
Englishman, Aussie and a South African
An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one
night, having a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his
beer, throws his glass
in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and
says: "In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need
to drink from the same one twice."
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says: "Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many fucking South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?"
A little voice came out of the box that said....
.. "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a
life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the
other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by
the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty
year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
okay?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you
twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what,
I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog
gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty,
okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play,
have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do
monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten
years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Rapid Response or Round
like a shot. From a UK local newspaper.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes
flat soon after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought
one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in America, the other in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days we drank together.
So I drink one for each o' me brothers and one for meself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at
that.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way.
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders only two pints. All of the other regulars notice and
fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer
my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment. Then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he
explains. "It's just that me wife had us join that Mormon Church,
and they don't allow drinking, so I had to quit. Hasn't affected me
brothers though."
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all nite. The bartender
finally sed that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leav and fel flat on his face. He tried to stand wun mor time; same
result. He figurd he'l crawl outside and get sum fresh air and
maybe that wil sober him up.
Wunce outside, he stood up and fel on his face again. So he
decided to crawl the for bloks home. Wen he arived at the dor he
stood up and fel flat on his face. He crawld thru the dor and into
his bedroom. Wen he reachd his bed he tried wun mor time to stand
up. This time he mannaged to pull himself uprite, but he quikly fel
rite into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his hed hit the
pillo.
He was awakend the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting,
"SO U'V BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and
intent on bluffing it out he sed, "Wat makes u say that?"
"The pub just calld; u left yor weelchair there again."
Bride and Groom arrived at their hotel where they were spending
the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww -
what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected
my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again
wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my
knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the
undressing continued, her husband at last removed his
underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?" And he replies "S*X!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's
manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was
O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel
have that I don't have?"
Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinsons!"
A crusty old marine corps Colonel found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college; and, there was no shortage
of idealistic young ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the colonel.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very
serious. Are you this way all the time, or is something
bothering you ?"
"No," the Colonel said, "Just serious by nature." The young
lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action." The colonel's short reply
was, "Yes, a lot of action." Then, tiring of trying to start
up a conversation, she said, "You know, you should lighten up a
little - relax and enjoy yourself."
The Colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." She said,
"Well there you go; you need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't
that a little extreme?"
The Colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "Oh, I don't think so, it's only 21:30 now !"
Never underestimate the
intelligence of a mother
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jane, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jane. But the fact remains that
if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day ... Don't Lie to Your Mother
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird
anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the
room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw
them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to
laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband,
Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi
Keith."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were
three finalists...Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this
room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then
the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill
my wife." The agent said,"You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She
wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with
blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new
age" holistic doctor, as a last resort. "Doctor, I have tried
everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror,
point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:
"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".
Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to
vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, sceptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the manoeuvre in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I
really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache
is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's
been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it...
"
"When was the last time you two had sex?" the doctor asked.
"About eight years ago." she replied.
"Send him over." A few days later, she is waiting with baited
breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives,
asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes
out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate
love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the
bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her
bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After
another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom
again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes
to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her
husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his
temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."
1st Divorce after 11
Sept 2001
The first divorce directly related to the 11 Sept 2001 was filed
in New York.
It appears that a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the
World Trade Centre spent the morning at his girlfriend's apartment
with his phone turned off.
He wasn't watching TV either.
When he turned his phone back on at about 11am, it rang
immediately.
It was his hysterical wife, "Are you OK, where are you?".
He said, "What do you mean? I'm in my office of course!"
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to
choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in
five
floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you
ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door
to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you
went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First
floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love
kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than
not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further
up?"
So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I
wonder what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the
women.
"Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they
go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be
awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said:
"This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping and have a nice
day!!"
Updated 1 April 2004