Men and Women Jokes 2

INDEX

Winning Ticket
Mr. Gorsky
Gone Golfing
Three Wise Women
Three Men and a Woman
Be Careful
Tree Hugger
Cinderella
The Bitch
The Portrait
The Pregnancy
Marriage
Picture on the Bedside Table
Arithmetic
The Wall
Tetanus Shot
Hangover
Never Underestimate a Little Old Lady
New York Woman
How to Sex a Fly
Missing Rooster

TEXTS

Winning Ticket

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband:
"Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! All $10 million of it ........WooooHoooo!"
"That's great darling!, he replies, "Do I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
"Who cares," she replies, "Just f**k off!"

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Mr. Gorsky

On the 20th July 1969, as Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for Man, one giant leap for Mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the Lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr Gorsky!"

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programmes. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr Gorsky!" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On the 5th July 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in the neighbour's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr and Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky... "Sex! you want sex?!
You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

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Gone Golfing

There's a fellow who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golf's all day long..... 36 holes sometimes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that shit?"

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What if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men

They would have asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Cleaned the stable
Brought practical gifts
and made a casserole

But what would they have said as they left:

Did you see the sandals that Mary was wearing with that gown?
That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!
Did you see that drummer boy? He can beat my drum any time!
And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!
I just heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!
Want to bet how long it will take before you get your casserole disk back?
Virgin my @#$@#$! I knew her in school!

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Three Men and a Woman

Three men and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The first man says "I'm a YUPPIE, Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second man says: "I'm a DIINKY, Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third man says: "I'm a RUB, Rich Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask "What are you."
She replies "I'm a WIFE, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

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Be Careful

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald came this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by the car.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

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Tree Hugger

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.
Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.

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Cinderella

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella.
Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret that little trip to the vet now, don't you?"

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The Bitch

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, to board a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady, and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. ! ; You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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The Portrait

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners.
The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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The Pregnancy

A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mum and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage.........."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says............. "You'll screw her again!!!"

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Marriage

MARRIAGE (PART I)
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

MARRIAGE (PART II)
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

MARRIAGE (PART III)
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone
after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?"! "Getting a second opinion!"

MARRIAGE (PART IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

MARRIAGE (PART V)
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks
the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

MARRIAGE (PART VI)
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that
she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the
waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor
answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

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The Picture on the Bedside Table

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

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Arithmetic

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.!
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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The Wall

A guy's wife dies so naturally there is a funeral for her. After the funeral the pallbearers pick up the casket and start to walk out of the church.
In the hallway they accidentally hit a wall with the casket.
They hear a moan from within the casket.
The guy's wife is alive.
They get her out and she lives another ten years.
She dies (again). They have a funeral for her.
The pallbearers pick up the casket and get ready to leave the church.
As they get to the hallway the husband calls out, "Watch out for that bloody wall."

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Tetanus Shot

An old man in his eighty's got up from his chair and was putting on his coat when his wife asked "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor." She asked "Why, are you sick?"
"No I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills"
So his wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat and he asked "Where are you going?"
She said "I'm going to the doctor too." "Why?"
She said "If your going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

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Hangover

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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Never under estimate a little old Lady

A little old lady went into the Commonwealth Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,I'd have Commonwealth Bank president's balls in my hand."

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New York Woman

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yee Ha!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so
I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback.

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How to Sex a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Missing Rooster

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?"
All the choir boys stood up.

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Updated 15 January 2004