INDEX
Miscellaneous Comments
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous
Putting on the Ritz
Georgeous People
When Men "Lie"
A Born Diplomat
The Test
Gossip
The Afterlife
Why Men Die First
Work Smarter Not Harder
Goodbye
Australian Husband
Jewish Miscellany
Declan the Crab
Son-in-law
TEXTS
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service,she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
Return to IndexGreen garden grass snakes can be dangerous.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and
because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant
them one wish each before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous", and so God snaps His fingers and it is
done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be
gorgeous too". Another snap of His fingers and the wish is
granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people
left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above
a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied
that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make
his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a
golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied,
"No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord
was pleased with the man's honesty ! and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down
into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your
wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez,
You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also
said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given ! me all three. Lord, I am a poor
man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why
I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good
and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's the truth, the light, and the way and we're sticking to
it!
A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror
and says to her husband, "I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and
my backside are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle
every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress
size".
Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel
so old and ugly...can you please at least pay me one
compliment?".
The husband replies.....
" Well if it's any consolation, your eyesight's spot on!!".
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a
year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in
every way, my friends encouraged me and my girlfriend? She was a
dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was her
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of
age, wore tight mini skirts and low-cut blouses. She would
regularly find some excuse to bend down when quite near me and I
got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little
sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that
she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and
didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make
love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to
her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with
it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she
pulled down her panties and tossed them down to me. I stood there
for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door,
opened it and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards
my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in
his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are so happy that you have
passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story - always keep your condoms in your car.
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny...he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all night....
Return to IndexA couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word,he made contact. "Mary .Mary . . "
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes,
I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I
have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch,
then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until
late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Oklahoma
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries... ...
but now we know! Here we go:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the
housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. If you don't
work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay you
should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favouritism. If she
gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment. If
you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp. If you don't........you're an
insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a
chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting
you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's
domination. If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...... you're
a pervert. If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape......
......you're sexist. If you don't.................you're
unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain. If
you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something. If you
don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of
yourself. If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired. If you have a
headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're over sexed. If you MEN DIE
FIRST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO !!!
An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to dig over his potato
garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who in recent
years had done the digging for him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament :
Dear son, I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my potato garden this year. I am just getting too old
to be digging up the garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles
would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where
I buried the BODIES.
Love Son
At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed
up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man
received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love son
The moral of the story is to work smarter not harder. Use your
brain.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a
story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God
bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye
grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little
girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange
coincidence..
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to
her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless
daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died. Oh
my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard
her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and
got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as
a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured
if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at
every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief
and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've
just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our
porch.
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only
willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take
out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life
in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into
the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to
the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of
the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one
corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything
like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in
love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a
while. He then says, "Okay, Ma,guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing,
Ma. You're right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, "I
don't like her."
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after
it graduates from medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with
their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called Debbie Does Dishes.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never
let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing
Bloomingdales.
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check
came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too
good",says the mother. "I've been very weak." The son says, "Why
are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want
a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under
the vacuum cleaner.
Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A
-(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force
yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and
passionately in love.
For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie
scuttled over to Declan in tears.
‘We can’t see each other anymore,’ she sobbed. ‘Why?’ gasped Declan.
‘Daddy says that crabs are too common,’ she wailed.
‘He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks
sideways.’
Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself in to oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place.
The lobster princess refused to join in the merriment.
Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in.
The dancing stopped, and all eyes were on Declan as he made his way
over to Katie’s father.
All could see that he was walking forwards.
Step by step he made his way over to the throne and looked the King
Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke. ‘Fuck, I’m pissed.’
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the
doctor's
office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See if you can
patch him up soon.
I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum."
"But please don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?"
The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him!"
Updated 1 March 2005