INDEX
The definition of the difference between
heaven and hell
A letter from an Irish Mother
Words of wisdom attributed to Abraham Lincoln,
16th President of USA
Script for an automated "Mental Health
Institute" hotline
British Army's
automatic inaction hotline
When Reality Is Better then Fiction
Australian Bureau of Statistics
The People of Great Britain
What is Forbidden
The Angel on the Christmas Tree
10 Good Reasons why Chocolate is Good for
You
Sage Advice
Good Ideas
Spelling Chequer
TEXTS
The definition of the difference between heaven and hell
In heaven, the police are British,
the chefs and the cuisine are French,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and it's all organised by the Swiss.
In hell, the chefs de cuisine are British
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
the police are German,
and it's all organised by the Italians.
Variant:
In heaven, the police are British,
The cooks are French,
The engineers are German
The administrators are Swiss
And the lovers Italian.
In hell, the police are German
The cooks are British
The engineers are Italian
The administrators are French
And the lovers Swiss.
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved.
About your father - he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him - he cuts grass at the cemetery. There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in but hasn't been working too good. Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled th chain and havn't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. The crenated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother
Words of wisdom attributed to Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of USA
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage
payer;
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class
hatred;
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich;
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's
initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could
and should do for themselves.
Script for and automated "Mental Health Institute" hotline.
It reads" Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If
you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay
on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred
to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, date of birth,
social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the
beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the
beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. if you have short
term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up as all our operators
are too busy to talk to you".
"Thank you for calling the British Army's automatic inaction hotline.
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, Press 1 for the Royal Marines.
If your need is urgent and involves young children or animals, Press 2 for the Paratroop Regiment.
If you need a highly-trained team to commit a terrorist act, please hang up and wait until next week when more of your friends will be leaving The Maze.
If you have arrived on the wrong beach, please hang up and call the US Embassy where your condition will be immediately understood.
If you are overwhelmed by the desire to see soldiers risk their lives, but can only bear to watch from another continent, please hang up and call The White House.
If your concern is distant and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, Press Hash for the RAF. This service is not available after 16·30 hours or during Tony Blair's major policy statements.
If your enquiry is not urgent, Press 3 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
If you are in a situation where British citizens are being tortured or murdered, Press 4 and your call will be routed to a Foreign Office answering machine. Your call may be returned in a few months, but not until Foreign interests have triumphed.
If you wish to set up a PR event to embarrass the Royal Family, we are sorry to tell you that Princess Diana's private office has been temporarily closed. However, these activities are being privatised and will soon be handled direct from the Harrods Press Office.
If you are in real trouble, Press 5 and your call will be routed to Sandline International, all credit cards welcomed.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, to put your family in a hut miles from civilisation, and risk your life whilst watching ex-Trade Union MP's at the Treasury eroding your terms & conditions of service, then please stay on the line."
When Reality Is Better then Fiction
1. When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
2. Labourer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'
3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's a Chicago thang'...)
9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and
offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.
12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.
13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.
16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
Australian Bureau of Statistics
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.
31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights were plugged in.
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last
two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye
socket.
[Eye socket! I would pay to see this one.]
The TIMES is read by the people who run the country.
The MIRROR is read by the people who think they run the
country.
The GUARDIAN is read by the people who think they ought to run the
country.
The MAIL is read by the wives of the people who run the
country.
The MORNING STAR is read by people who think the country ought to
be run by another country.
The FINANCIAL TIMES is read by the people who own the country.
The EXPRESS is read by the people who would like the country to be
run the way it used to be.
The TELEGRAPH is read by the people who think it still is.
The SUN is read by people who who couldn't care less who runs the
country as long as she's got big tits.
In Russia, everything is forbidden.
In Germany, everything is forbidden unless it is permitted.
In Britain, everything is permitted unless it is forbidden.
And in Italy, everything is permitted whether it is forbidden or
not.
The Angel on the Christmas Tree
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was
getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems
everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel
the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that
the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In
his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.
10 Reasons Why
Eating Chocolate is Good For You
1. Chocolate Makes You Live Longer
Harvard University researchers have studied 8,000 men for over 65
years and found that those who ate modest amounts of chocolate up
to three times a month, lived almost a year longer than those who
did not eat any.
The conclusion was this is likely to be due to the fact that cocoa contains anti-oxidants called polyphenols, which can also be found in red wine and prevent the oxidation of harmful cholesterol. Anti-oxidants are also known to protect against cancer.
2. Chocolate is Good For Stress
Chocolate contains valeric acid, which is a well know relaxant and
tranquilliser.
The sugar content in chocolate may reduce stress - sugar has been known to have a calming and pain relieving effect on babies and animals because sweet tastes activate opiate-like substances in our brains.
3. Chocolate Makes Us Feel Better
The smell of chocolate has been found to slow down brain waves
making us feel calm.
Because most of us find eating chocolate pleasurable, we release endorphins in the brain. These have similar pharmacological actions as morphine, acting as pain-relievers and giving us a sense of well-being.
4. Chocolate Does Not Give You Spots
Although many people blame acne problems on chocolate, there is no
scientific evidence to prove so. Scientists have even fed chocolate
to spot-prone subjects and monitored their skin for weeks with no
effect.
5. Chocolate Does Not Make You Put on Weight
You cannot blame weight gain on any single substance. So long as
you do not eat more calories than you burn off, you will not get
fat.
6. Chocolate Can Boost Concentration
Chocolate can boost blood sugar levels when they are low, which in
turn means loner-lasting energy as it does not do this very
quickly. Also chocolate is a good source of chromium, which helps
to control blood sugar levels.
7. Chocolate Helps to Digest Milk
This means that it is very good for those of us who are
lactose-intolerant.
Researchers at Rhode Island University have shown that cocoa stimulates activity of the enzyme lactase in the intestine. We need this to digest lactose, the sugar found in milk. Lactose-intolerant patients showed a reduction in bloating, cramping and diarrhoea when one-and-a-half teaspoons of cocoa were added to a cup of milk.
8. Chocolate Boosts Appetite
This could be because it contains cannabinoid-like substances that
are known to affect the hypothalamus, which is the part of the
brain that controls our hunger.
9. Chocolate Can Make You More Alert
It contains a stimulant called theobromine, which is a
caffeine-like substance that is thought to make us more alert. But
theobromine does not have the side-effect of giving us the jitters
, like caffeine and chocolate only contains minute amounts of
caffeine.
10. Chocolate is Nutritious
A 50g bar of plain chocolate contains 1.2mg of iron, and 45mg of
magnesium. And milk chocolate is a reasonable source of calcium. To
get the recommended daily allowances of these minerals we would
need to eat seven bars a day !!.
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of
checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough
to make them all yourself.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore yore pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Updated 15 January 2004