Harburg Jokes Miscellaneous 2

Miscellaneous Jokes 2

INDEX

Great Australians
Chocolate is a Vegetable
True Friendship
If
Old Farts
Coldwater
Notices
Having a Bad Day?
The Buffalo Theory
The Sandpit
An Old Cherokee
Shipping Manure
Who is Jack Schitt?
Parking Cop
Deserved Award
Divert Your Course
For the Cynics
Basic Guide to Australian Life

TEXTS

Great Australians

BROOKVALE LOSER
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big MAC,the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.

ADELAIDE LOSERS
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Adelaide's Henley Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No,
they did not use a stolen car.

WOLLONGONG LOSER
A man walked into a Seven-Eleven, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

ROOTY HILL LOSER
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the storeowner consequently sold for use on TV.

CAMPBELLTOWN LOSER
As a female shopper exited the Campbelltown K-Mart in Queen Street, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied; "Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

PORT MACQUARIE LOSER
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk,
which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember: "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

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True Friendship

Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, police officers descend on Tony's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Tony and leave.
The phone rings at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday", mate.

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If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no
fault of yours, something goes wrong,
if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things .......

THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

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Old Farts

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

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Coldwater

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather... "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied..."Those plates are as clean as Cold Water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again..."Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says... I told you before, those dishes are as clean as Cold Water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore !!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.

" Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted "Coldwater, get out of the way !!!"

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Notices

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

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The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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The Sandpit

A house was been done up by builders and the little girl of the house was not encouraged to go out and play as she might pick up some foul language but she loved playing on their sand.
At the end of the week the builders decided to club together so she could go and buy her own sand pit.
They put the collection in an envelope and gave it to her saying "This is your wages".
The little girl goes off with her Mother to the shop to buy the sand pit with her envelope and the shopkeeper says "What's that"?
To which she replies "It's my wages". The shopkeeper says "Will you get paid next week?
To which the little girl replies "It all depends if the f....ing bricks arrive!"

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An Old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is an evil wolf - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is a good wolf - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, and compassion.
This same fight is going on inside you, grandson, and inside every other person who walks the Earth."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his aged and wise grandfather,
"Which wolf will win this fight, Grandfather?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "....The one you feed."

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Shipping Manure

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.
It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.

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Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married
the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper proclaimed under following banner: 'SCHITT-HAPPENS WEDDING'.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." - you can correct them.

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Parking Cop

I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

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Deserved Award

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Zebb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favourite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing!
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Peace Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

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Divert Your Course

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, near the coast of England. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH:         Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision

U.S.NAVY:      Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

BRITISH:         Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.NAVY:      This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH:         Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S.NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH:       We are a lighthouse. Fuck off.

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For the Cynics Amongst Us

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
23) All men are idiots and I married their king!
24) My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
25) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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Basic Guide to Australian Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
13. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
14. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
15. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
16. It's considered better to be down on your luck than on yourself.
17. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
18. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
19. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
20. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
21. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
22. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
23. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
24. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
25. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
26. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
27. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.
29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone. EVER

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Updated 15 January 2004