INDEX
Doctor Nick
Crazy World
Wine Connoisseur
Classic questions to Sydney Olympic
Committee
Sign on Warsaw Trams
Some facts about England in the 1500s
Taters
Out of season
Snappy Answers
Jokes to Offend Everyone
Idiots of 2003
Some Jewish Jokes
An English Conman
TEXTS
Doctor Nick had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty
all day.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it he could not.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But once in a while he would hear that soothing voice within
himself trying to reassure him, "Nick, do not worry about it.
You are not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients
and you will not be the last.
And you are single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Nick ..
You are a vet."
'You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany does not want to go to war.'
Return to IndexA man goes to the Ritz Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and
orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter full of
wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.
The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down
on the table with a thud.
"This is not the 1928 Mouton."
The waiter assures him it is, and soon there is another twenty
people surrounding the table including the chef, the manager of the
hotel trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928
Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows, it is not the 1928
Mouton.
"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I made the wine."
Consternation.
That moment the original waiter steps forward and admits that he
poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our
last bottle of '28 Mouton. You own Clerc Milon, it is in the same
village as Mouton. You pick the grapes at the same time, the same
cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar
barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the
same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a
small matter of geographic location."
Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When
you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her
underwear. Put one finger in one opening , another in the other,
and smell the difference that a small matter of geographic location
will give."
Classic Questions to Sydney Olympic Committee
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)Following a bitter winter in 2002-2003, conditions on Warsaw
trams, where all doors open at every stop, caused a lot of
complaints. The tram company responded by starting a program of
installing passenger-operated door controls on its trams.
However the Warsaw travelling public are unaccustomed to using
door-operated devices on trams, so the company had to provide
stickers to indicate how to operate the controls.
Unfortunately the hand on the stickers had six fingers!
Some facts about
England in the 1500s
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly
bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children and last of
all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually
lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out
with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the
roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining
cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big
posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep
their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside.
A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a
"thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and
added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get
much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, then leave the
leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for
quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the
bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing
lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered
poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days at a time. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them
for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait
and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a
"wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When re-opening
these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive.
So they tied a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through a
hole in the coffin and up through the ground and tied it to a bell.
Someone would sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard
shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by
the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! ! !
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just
content to watch while others do the work.
They are called "Speck Taters".
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding
fault with the way others do the work.
They are called "Comment Taters".
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking
others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or
too sweet.
They are called "Agie Taters".
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never
get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called "Hezzie Taters".
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they
are not.
They are called "Emma Taters".
3 prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be
executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last
meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
taken away to face the firing squad.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also
taken away to face the firing squad.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. His captors are
surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?" "Yes, Strawberries."
But they are out of season! "I'll wait..."
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its
best to stifle their laughter.
When silence was restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose
you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are
disabled.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them
for life.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and good looking?
Because such men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women who they have no intention of
marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the
refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who
has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mum.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
A nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace does that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what
do you have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple, who had a retarded
baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than
the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at
half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in
common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
A Pimp.
What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian
zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Indonesian National Anthem?
"Row row row your boat......."
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave
her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I
told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.
Number Two Idiot of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the plane and home.. Shortly after they took it
for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in
on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was
inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot of 2003
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob downtown
Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She
read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.
Number Four Idiot of 2003
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.
Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the
cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in
the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk
still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At
this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that
the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The
robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that
he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later.
Idiot Number Six of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and
hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It
seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
Idiot Number Eight of 2003
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.
When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for breakfast.. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in
love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun,
Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a
while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to
the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until
after it graduates from medical school.
Q Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror
movie?
A It's called Debbie Does Dishes.
Q Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q What's a Jewish American Princess' favourite position?
A Facing Bloomingdales.
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check
came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good", says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful! What part is it?" replies his mother.
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want
a speaking part."
Q Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A -(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on
the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish
Mother?
A Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
An English con-man in New York trying to cash in on the Prince
of Wales' visit in 1921 by promising hostesses to bring him to
their dinner parties claimed as part of his patter to be an Oxford
rowing blue.
One day, in a a crowded bar in the Knickerbocker Club, he found
himself talking to another Englishman who asked:- "What number did
you row in the 1919 boat?" No. 3?
1919 and No 3? Then all I can say is that you must have been
sitting on my lap."
Updated 1 April 2004