INDEX
Political Systems and Your Two Cows
Philosophy and Your Two Cows
Notice of Revocation of Independence
Response to Notice of Revocation of
Independence
Why did the Chicken cross the Road - 1
Why did the Chicken cross the Road - 2
Osama
Sons of Saddam
TEXTS
Political Systems and your two cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take
care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you
need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes
them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are
cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the
chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the
regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you
to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of
them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you
for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets
the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows
if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached
for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair
"Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains
and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not
to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to
fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price
or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six
cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who
sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed
company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows
because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from
milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal
calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept
of"ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering,
intolerant past) two different-aged (but no less valuable to
society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man.
You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
A CHRISTIAN: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to
your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:You have two cows. The government takes one and gives
it to your neighbor.
You're placed in a cooperative to tell him how to manage your
cow.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
You educate him through self help programs to help him find a job
to buy a cow.
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell
one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then
take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and
sour.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells
you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of
sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes
you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a
foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your
government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when the cow drops dead.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it
back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows
to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow
drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them
so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains. Most are at the top
of their class at cow school.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they
are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and
run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13
weeks of vacation per year.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where
they are, so you break for lunch and open the bottle of wine.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn
you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop
counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your
10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and
takes over however many cows you really have.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't
know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to
you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows,
and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You kill all the cows because they are
female.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which
is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's
private parts.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who
like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote
for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure
out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state
tell you which is the best looking one.
TEXAS CORPORATION: Everyone who works and wants a cow, has a
cow. Cows are a way of life. They use the whole cow:
milk, meat, leather. It's all business.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to
choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some
fat, bossy
bitch cow from Arkansas
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Response to Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a worldpower. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o, chum.
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage, the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925, the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.
2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15.)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels," "Trainspotting" and "The Full Monty." We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot."
But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good workon that front.
5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty; it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.
7. Learn how to cook. England has some topnotch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing. It's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.
9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies."
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
P.S. - regarding WWII: You're welcome!
Why did the Chicken cross the Road - 1
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PETER REITH {Australian Government Party Politician with an errant son}: All I knew is that I lent my chicken to my son... How was I to know that it would run up $50 000 worth of road tolls? I don't think I'm liable, unless the public think so...
PETER COSTELLO {Australian Government Treasurer}: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST (otherwise known as VAT) charge. However, if that Chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO (Australian Taxation Office) to be a service for which GST will be imposed.
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
JOHN HOWARD {Australian Government Prime Minister}: The chicken
never ever crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from
its mother!
JOHN HOWARD: Because we need stronger border controls! That
chicken's just a queue jumper - no chicken should be allowed to
cross the road into Australia without going thru the proper
procedures!
EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with indigenous chickens.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
REV. FRED NILE {Ultra Conservative Australian Clergyman}: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken you will become gay too. It is the will of Jesus and the Lord that we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee it won't get to the other side?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
BILL GATES: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
THE CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word "chicken"?
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto
the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it -----ing wanted to. That's the
-----ing reason.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why
doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken
doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
COLONEL SANDERS: What, I missed one?
Why did the Chicken cross the Road - 2?
PLATO: For the greater good.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
MACHIAVELLI: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to
contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is
the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
JACQUES DERRIDA: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
THOMAS de TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
DOUGLAS ADAMS: Forty-two.
NIETSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.
B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
LUDWIG WITTGENSTEIN: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
ARISTOTLE: To actualize its potential.
BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
HOWARD COSELLl: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
SALVADOR DALI: The Fish.
DARWIN: It was the logical next step after coming down from the
trees.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EMILY DICKENSON: Because it could not stop for death.
EPICURUS: For fun.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
JOHANN WOLFGANG von GOETHE: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
WERNER HEISENBERG: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
DAVID HUME: Out of custom and habit.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
PYRRHO the SKEPTIC: What road?
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
JOHN SUNUNU: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself
of the opportunity.
THE SPHINX: You tell me.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using
the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken
use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital, and experiences
to align the chicken's people,processes, and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize
with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting,enabling and creating
an environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This
was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become
more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep
him down.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken
crossing?"
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to
the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on
the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the
Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a
large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of
Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love
for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl
him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he
screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting
for you. What did you think I said?"
Updated 15 January 2004