INDEX
Bush and Powell
One Black Man
Tragedy
How the Government does it
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Sadaam's Doubles
Uniform Colours
Fireworks banned at Euro Disney
WHO Warning
News Flash
The Passing of Common Sense
UN Questionnaire
Definition of Politics
Estonians and Russians
Bush's Advisors
French terror alert level raised
TEXTS
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy
walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting
over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What
are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time
and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle
repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See,
Mr. Know-IT-All !! I told you no one would worry about the 140
million Iraqis!"
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Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a
field was called the Ku Klux Klan.
Today it's called the PGA Tour.
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President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and
he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class
in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a
"tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives
next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs
him over, that
would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would
be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would
call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.
President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his
hand.
In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. &
Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by
a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY
that would be a TRAGEDY?"
Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss.
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one
generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding
a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment
factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have
to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead
horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load
share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would
improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run
faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore
performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead
horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops &
livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and
Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe
levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair
with candy striper.Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los
Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows
so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Tariq Aziz call the Saddam look-alike squad to his office.
"I have good news. Sadaam is alive, your jobs are safe."
"However, he has lost an arm."
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one
battle, the French captured an English major. Taking the major to
their headquarters,the French general began to question him. The
French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red
coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for
us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the
reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot,
the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear
brown pants.
Fireworks banned at Euro Disney
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and boiler suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months, which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly affects only darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered much more serious.
The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do.
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. 350,000 New Zealanders are missing, and over 100,000 have been reported injured.Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name
of Common Sense who had been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were
long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets
the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly student only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals
received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in
her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his
son, Reason. Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner, survive
him.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
If you still know him pass this on, if not you can give him a
second death.
The UN recently sent out a questionnaire to people in many
different countries. They asked "Please would you give us your
honest opinion on what would be the best solution to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"
Unfortunately, the questionnaire was a complete failure and very
few responses were received.
Sadly:
nobody in Africa understood what "food" meant;
nobody in Eastern Europe understood what "honest" meant;
nobody in western Europe understood what "shortage" meant;
nobody in the Middle East understood what "solution" meant;
nobody in China understood what "opinion" meant;
nobody in Latin America understood what "please" meant, and
nobody in the USA understood what "the rest of the world"
meant!
Son : Dad I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
Dad : Sure Son. What's the question?
Son : What is politics?
Dad : Well Son, let's take our home as an example. I am the wage
earner so let's call me the "Management". Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so lets call her the "Government". We
take care of you and your needs so lets call you the People. We'll
call the maid the "Working Class"and your baby brother the
"Future". Do you understand?
Son : I'm not really sure, Dad, I'll have to think about it.
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying, so
he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a
heavily spoiled nappy, the son went to his parents room and found
his mother fast asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where
peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the
maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard. The boy went back to
his room and went to sleep.
The next morning...
Son : Dad, I think I understand "politics".
Dad : That's great, son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son : While the Management is screwing the Working Class, the
Government is fast asleep, the People are being completely ignored
and the Future is full of shit!
(Estonians don't like Russians)
An Estonian woman was watching two workmen progress down the road.
One dug a hole. Then the second filled it in. They moved a few
yards, and did it again. Finally, she couldn't stand it, went over
to them and asked what they were doing. "The usual job," one said.
"But Dmitri is off sick today. "Usually, he brings the trees."
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is
stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George,
what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let
me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents
had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is
it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then
calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It
isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney
says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney
calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It
isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin
Powell says, "It's me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin
Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
French terror alert level raised
API and UPI report that the French Government announced today that in
light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised it's terror alert level
from "run" to "hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate".
Updated 1 March 2005