INDEX
London Transport Announcements
Going Loco Gongs (UK) 2003
Thomas the Tank Engine goes to the
Seaside
TEXTS
London Transport Announcements
A list of actual announcements that LONDON TUBE train DRIVERS
have made to their passengers
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
direction".
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging
on a wall...'".
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".
Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not
provided".
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, as if I care...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself
or your bags into the doors."."We can't move off because some idiot
has their f***ing hand stuck in the door"
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please
move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a
personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at
the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your
bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and
shove them up your a**e sideways" ".
May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage"
Thomas the Tank Engine goes to the Seaside
Thomas was late for the station. He was very cross with the new
tilting trains, which had held him up because they could not tilt
properly, and now he was running along the track, trying to make up
for lost time.
"Oh come along We're rather late. Oh, come along! We're rather
late," he sang to Annie and Clarabel, his two coaches. But Thomas
could not seem to go faster than 100 miles per hour, no matter how
hard he puffed.
"Why am I unable to exceed these silly speed restrictions?"
whistled Thomas impatiently. Annie and Clarabel laughed, because
the high-speed line had recently been upgraded to include Automatic
Train Protection (ATP), which intervenes automatically to ensure
naughty engines comply with set speed limits.
"Bother! Something must be wrong with my firebox," said Thomas. By
the time he got to the station, the Slim Controller was already
waiting for him.
"Thomas, you are 47 minutes late, well within our performance
targets for this month," said the Slim Controller, who was looking
very young and fit for a man his age. "Congratulations."
"Thank you, Sir," said Thomas. He noticed that the platform was
crowded with schoolchildren, many of whom were shaking and
crying.
"These children need to go to the seaside for the day," said the
Slim Controller, "but they are afraid to ride on a train, because
they think it might crash. I need you to show them how safe rail
travel can be." Suddenly, much to Thomas's surprise, competent rail
workers in high-visibility clothing began to uncouple Annie and
Clarabel.
"Help, Thomas! Help!" shouted Clarabel.
"Where are we going?" cried Annie.
"I'm afraid that Annie and Clarabel are Mark I rolling stock," said
the Slim Controller, "creaky old slam-door coaches from the 1960s.
We'll be replacing them with newer stock immediately."
Thomas was sad to see Annie and Clarabel being towed away, but he
was soon smiling again when he saw his two shiny new carriages,
Helga and Sophie. "We come from Sweden," they sang in lovely soft
voices, as the competent railway workers finally managed to get the
doors to open. As the frightened children were forced on to
Thomas's two new coaches, he got a very naughty idea.
"I'll show them just how much FUN trains can be!" he peeped.
"Be a good little engine, Thomas," said the Slim Controller.
"Remember that my pay incentives are directly linked to your
performance." As he pulled out of the station, Thomas soon forgot
the Slim Controller's warning. Instead of going directly to the
seaside, Thomas headed for a main line which he knew had yet to be
upgraded with ATP.
Thank goodness the government had reneged on its safety
commitments! Then, just as he approached the junction his brakes
squealed, and poor Thomas found himself standing still on the line.
"Whatever now?" he moaned.
"You passed a signal, Thomas!" sang Helga. "You passed a signal at
danger!"
"Those signals are only for lazy trains who need a rest," said
Thomas.
"My driver passes them all the time."
"It's not up to your driver, any more, Thomas," said Sophie. "The
new Automatic Warning System applies your brakes whenever you pass
a signal at danger, unless your driver cancels the warning within
two seconds." "Well why didn't he, then?" demanded Thomas. "There's
no one here but us!"
"Sorry," said Thomas's driver. "I'm really stoned."
Slowly the train began to reverse up the tracks.
"Not to worry mate," peeped Thomas with a cheeky wink, "your
secret's safe with me."
"Nothing personal," said the driver, "but it really freaks me out
when you talk."
Now Thomas and Helga and Sophie were heading for the seaside once
again.
However Thomas was planning more tricks to frighten his passengers,
perhaps he would derail into a field with an angry bull in it! That
would teach those children not to ride on trains! Thomas looked for
some faulty points, or a nice pile of wet leaves, but there were
none to be found.
He hoped he might spot some vandals damaging the track, but all
along the way on both sides appropriate fencing had been installed
to inhibit access. "It is estimated that 55% of all train incidents
are due to vandalism!" sang Sophie.
"Huh," said the driver.
At the next station some policemen came and escorted Thomas's
driver off the train. "We are taking you for drug testing," said
one of them. "Allegations have been made under the new Confidential
Incident Reporting and Analysis System - the whistleblower's
charter, if you like."
"The system is open to all Railway Group members, as well as other
participating companies," sang Helga and Sophie.
"Bye-bye! Good luck. Bye-bye! Good luck," puffed Thomas.
"Does anyone hear them besides me?" asked the driver.
Eventually a new driver was found for Thomas, one who had tested
negative for cannabis, positive for literacy and hadn't been
poached by Virgin Trains.
Soon Thomas and Helga and Sophie were under way again. Now the
children were smiling as Thomas adhered strictly to prevailing
speed restrictions all the way to the seaside.
In the village he met Bertie Bus driving down the stretch of road
which runs alongside the railway.
"Hullo, Thomas!" said Bertie. "Care to race?"
"I can't," moaned Thomas. "The track won't let me! It's called
safety."
"Why, rail travel is already much safer than going by bus," said
Bertie, slamming into a bridge abutment, killing four.
"Really? said Thomas. He began to think that safety wasn't so bad
after all.
When he finally pulled into the station, the Slim Controller was
there waiting for him.
"How did you get here so fast?" asked Thomas.
"I flew on EasyJet," said the Slim Controller. "It's very
convenient, and I wanted to be here in order to give you this award
for Effective Risk Management. Thomas, you really are a safe little
engine." The children cheered as they disembarked.
"Thank you," said Thomas proudly. "It remains my number-one
priority."
Updated 15 January 2004