INDEX
Jesus was ......
Cast not the First Stone
Catholic Horses
Confession of an Irishman
The Return
The Golden Phone
Cabbie & Nun
Irish Priest
Heaven
Pastoral Quickies
Golfing Nun
Atheist
The Contractor
Satan
Work?
The Pope
Why Can't I own Canadians
Rabbi and Priest
Mother Superior's Last Drink
No Regard for Religion
Absolution
TEXTS
There are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Indian:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure
he was God.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then here are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no
food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who
just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for Him to do.
In front of the woman taken in adultery, Jesus said to the
crowd: "Let
whoever is without sin, cast the first stone. Mother, put down that
stone."
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the
race track.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his
shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track,
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th
race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the
race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the
5th race horses lined up, and placed the blessing on the forehead
of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and
placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long
shot, the horse the priest blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was
elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of
the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in
some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest
dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the
priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True
to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of
the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in
dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he
demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and
they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've
lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and
said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...you can't tell the
difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must
atone.
You cannot attend church for three months... Be off with you
now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have
all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall
and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very
terrible news."
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so
the Pope tells them,
"Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment is at
hand, and our faith in His existence is justified."
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks
up, asking what the terrible news is.
The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City."
A Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab
driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring
and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you
get the chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well", the cabbie says, "I've always had a fantasy about a nun
kissing me." The nun responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that. First, you have to be single, and second, you must be
Catholic. "The cab driver gets very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single, and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK," the nun says, "pull into the next alley". He does and the nun
fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But
when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child", said the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me
Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK - my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween Party."
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" I asked
the
children in my Sunday School class.
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept
everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was,"No!"
"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Return to Index
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about
it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming
impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand
trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the
hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed
and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly In his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up
to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep,
sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even
tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48
years."
Return to Index
One of the faithful was concerned that the highly physical
nature of his sex life might be construed as “work” and
he consulted his rabbi on this question as all forms of
“work” are banned on the Sabbath.
The Rabbi replied that sex could not be considered
“work”, because if it was “work”, then the
Rabbi’s wife would get the maid to do it.
After getting all Pope John-PauI's luggage loaded in the limo
(and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that
the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence,"
says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me
drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today. " I
cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something
should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you!" says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh,
wonderful. Now I'm really gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman
approaches.
The cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and
gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him." said
the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that - he's really
important," said the cop. "All the more reason." "No, I mean really
important," said the cop. "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
'Bigger." "The Governor?" "Bigger." "Well," says the Chief, "Who is
it?" "I think its God!" "You think its God!! What makes you think
its God?" "Well, He's got the pope driving for him."
(Dr. XXX an US radio personality and an observant Orthodox Jew,
believed homosexuality was an abomination per Leviticus 18:22, and
could not be condoned under any circumstance.)
Dear Dr. XXX,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to
defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them
that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of
debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
other specific laws and how to follow them.
1). When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
2). I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?
3). I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of menstrual cleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem
is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take
offence.
4). Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both
male and >female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring
nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but
not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5). I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I
morally obligated to kill him myself?
6). A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination of Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7). Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God
if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
8). Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?
9). I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead
pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear
gloves?
10). My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting
two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16).
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan, YYY
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at
the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him
sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes
out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one
nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into
the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it,
she drank the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die," Barely audible and with a serene look on her face
she said, "Don't sell that cow."
A 'welcome' notice was seen outside a hospital run by nuns on the outskirts of Rome. It read "The nuns harbour all sorts of diseases and have no regard for religion."
Father Patrick was talking to his replacement in a small village
church.
‘Father Michael,’ he says, ‘you’ll be looking after my flock
from now on.’
‘But where do I start?’ the young priest replies.
‘You’ve
been hearing confessions for over 50 years, I’ll be lost.’
‘Don’t
worry,’ says Father Patrick, ‘I’ve written a list of sins and
absolutions on the wall in the confessional box.
Look up the sin and it
will tell you next to it what to say.
After a while you’ll get to know
the congregation and you’ll be okay.’
One week later, Father Michael is
sitting in the confessional box looking at his mentor’s list when his
first visitor arrives.
‘Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,’ says a
female voice.
‘I had to give my husband a gobble last night.’
The
priest searches the wall but can’t find the correct reply anywhere.
In
desperation he pulls open the curtain of the box and stops a choirboy.
‘Oi! What did the old priest give for a gobble?’ ‘A Kit-Kat,’ the lad
replies.
Updated 1 March 2005