INDEX
Cricket as explained to a foreign
visitor
Australian Cricketers
Sports Commentators
Footballer
Football World Cup
Aussies are Great
Rugby Tickets
TEXTS
Cricket as explained to a foreign visitor
You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out
he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side
that been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not outs.
Thats the end of the game.
Howzat
Acknowledgement to the Marylebone Cricket Club
The cricket world is again in turmoil after reports that Sir Donald Bradman accepted money from bookmakers to throw his own life.
The world-renowned batsman was looking very comfortable on 92, when he all of a sudden died carelessly. The death has raised the suspicions of Indian police who thought it was unusual for Bradman not to reach 100.
"If you watch replays of the death very closely," said one police investigator, "you'll notice how dubious it looks. In all his life he'd never once died before. It's completely out of character."
The International Cricket Committee has questioned whether the coroners were too quick to attribute the death to pneumonia. It thinks they should instead have called on the third coroner to give the decision.
The possibility that Bradman was involved in death-fixing has indelibly shaken the Australian Test team. "I always thought I was our country's only corruptible player," said Mark Waugh.
It's believed Waugh recently received some new cash payments in return for providing corruption information to police. Waugh was interviewed extensively last night about a man who approached Bradman shortly before his death, and who only identified himself as "John".
Police were told by Waugh that this was just the Prime Minister. Spin bowler Shane Warne was also approached by police, but declined to answer their questions. He told them he had nothing but the utmost respect for Bradman, who he described as Australia's greatest ever f#%king arsey c%nt.
Former Test captain Mark Taylor also paid tribute to the late Sir Donald, vowing to kill himself when he turns 92 so as to never outdo the Bradman legacy.
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse-Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off." (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...........Oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator Sandi)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)
Coach calls Footballer into his office.
'I'm worried about your performance the last few games, you've
been f???ing hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry, boss', says Footballer. 'I've not been myself lately. I've
got a few problems at home.'
'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Wife and
Child okay?
'Oh they're fine', says Footballer. 'It's just that something's
really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't
concentrate on my football and it's really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter, son?' says Coach. 'Well, boss', says
Footballer, 'it's pretty serious.
My wife bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.....'
'A f???ing jigsaw?!!!' shouts Coach. 'You're playing sh*te because
of a f???ing jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head
in!' says Footballer.
'It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it looks
really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and
everything but I just can't get itright
'OK, OK, OK,' says Coach, 'Bring the jigsaw in and let's have a
look at it, it can't be that difficult'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says Footballer.
So the next Footballer brings the jigsaw into Coach's office.
'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Coach the picture on the box.
Footballer empties all the
pieces from the box all over Coach's desk.
Coach looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his
hands and says to Footballer..............
'Put the fu**ing Frosties back in the box.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footballer and Wife were on vacation in the depths of
Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, Footballer shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a
reasonable price!'
The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck
out and catch yourself a big one!'
Determined, Footballer and wife turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
Footballer standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just
then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him.
He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort
hauls it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The
shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the Footballer flips the
alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Boll*cks, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foothaller and wife are sitting in front of the television
watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening
to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road
below.
Wife turns to husband and says: "I bet you £5,000 that he
jumps!" Footballer replies "£5,000? Done! I bet that he
doesn't." So they shake hands
on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud
thud. Footballer takes £5,000 out of his back pocket and
hands it to wife. But she refuses.
"I can't take your money, Footballer," she says. "The truth is, I
was cheating.
I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump."
"No, babe, fair's fair" says Footballer. "That money is yours fair
and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock
news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on
Saturday, just before the game, when another Footballer walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a
cortisone injection." "Hey," says Footballer. "If he's having a new
car, so am I."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footballergoes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he
asks.
"A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks
Footballer.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold.
Really impressed, Footballer buys one and takes it along to his
next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Footballer says
proudly. "It's a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says
Footballer.
"And what have you got in it?" asks another Footballer.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies Footballer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest girl in the world, decides
to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents out,"
he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back
into place". So she takes the car home and tries it.
Footballer spots her from the house, opens a window and shouts
"You silly cow!
You have to wind the windows up first!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footballer is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts
happily.
Wife asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done
this jigsaw in only 57 days."
"Is that good?" asks his wife.
"You bet," says Footballer. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Footballer had a near-death experience the other day when he went
riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and
down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it
was no good.
With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the
ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse
refused to stop or even
slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as
he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's'
manager came
along and unplugged it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Footballer and her driver were cruising along a country road
one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to
avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
She told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered
back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand,
a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Mrs.Footballer.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife
gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad
passionate
love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Mrs. Footballer.
The driver replied: "I'm Mrs. Footballer's driver, and I just
killed the cow."
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits
down,another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the
seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting
event,
and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first
World Cup Final
we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral.
Why has the Post Office had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of the Australian Rugby test players on them.
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the Australian politician who was found dead in
a Wallabies shirt?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to
save his family from the embarrassment.
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is
colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer an Australian rugby player. They're
heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are
interchangeable."
Q. What do Australian Wallaby fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. What do you have when 100 Australian Wallaby fans are buried up
to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between an Australian and a broken jet
engine?
A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.
Q. How many Male Australian fans does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it & a Manager
to say that if the referee had done his job in the first place the
light bulb would never have not gone out.
Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All
Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey Doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave
him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate
problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular
removal.
"No way Doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu, "I'm gitting a
sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not
surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but, with hours to go before the All Blacks
opening game, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one
last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined
him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness, ey"
“What's the cure thin Doc, ey?' asked Wiremu, hoping for a
different answer.
"Wull Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off
your balls."
"Phew, thunk God for thut!" said Wiremu, "Those pommy bastards
wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Updated 15 January 2004