INDEX
A Senior Citizen
We are Survivors
I miss my mind
How to know when you are getting old
Senility Prayer
Birthday Cards
Sweet Old Lady
Hearing problems
Grandma
Reply to Grandma
Guntoting Grandma
Early Retirement
Senior Citizens
The good old days
TEXTS
is one who was here before the pill, television, frozen foods, contact lenses, credit cards..... and before man walked on the moon.
For us, "Time Sharing" meant togetherness, not holiday homes,
and a "chip" meant a piece of wood.
"Hardware" meant nuts and bolts, and "software" wasn't even a
word.
We got married first, then lived together, and thought cleavage
was something that butchers did.
A "stud" was something that fastened a collar to a shirt, and
"going all the way" meant staying on a double decker to the bus
depot.
We thought that "fast food" was what you ate in Lent; a "Big Mac" was an oversized raincoat and "crumpet" we had for tea.
In our day; "grass" was mown, "pot" was something you cooked in, "coke" was kept in the coal house and a "joint" was cooked on Sundays!
We are today's Senior Citizens.
A hardy bunch when you think how the world has changed!
We are Survivors - a variant of the above
We were born before television, before penicillin, polio shots,
frozen foods, Xeroz, contact lenses, videos and the pill.
We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and
ball-point pens, before dishwashers, tumble driers, electric
blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes... and before man
walked on the moon.
We got married first and then lived together (how quaint can you
be?). We thought 'fast food' was what you ate in Lent, a 'Big Mac'
was an oversize raincoat and 'crumpet' we had for tea. We existed
before house-husbands, computer dating and 'sheltered
accommodation' was where you waited for a bus.
We were before day care centres, group homes and disposable
nappies. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, artificial hearts,
word processors, or young men wearing earrings. For us 'time
sharing' meant togetherness, a 'chip' was a piece of wood or fried
potato, 'hardware' meant nuts and bolts and 'software' wasn't a
word.
Before 1940 'Made in Japan' meant junk, the term 'making out'
referred to how you did in your exams, 'stud' was something that
fastened a collar to a shirt and 'going all the way' meant staying
on a double-decker bus to the terminus. In our day, cigarette
smoking was 'fashionable', 'grass' was mown, 'coke' was kept in the
coalhouse, a 'joint' was a piece of meat you ate on Sundays and
'pot' was something you cooked in. 'Rock music' was a fond mother's
lullaby, 'Eldorado' was an ice cream, a 'gay person' was the life
and soul of the party, while 'aids' just meant beauty treatment or
help for someone in trouble.
We who were born before 1940 must be a hardy bunch when you
think of the way in which the world has changed and the adjustments
we have had to make.
No wonder there is a generation gap today ... BUT
By the grace of God --we have surviced!
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not amongst the dead.
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I've got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I'm resigned.
I can cope with my bi-focals,
But - ye gods - I miss my mind.
Sometimes I can't remember
When I'm standing by the stairs,
If I'm going up for something,
Or have just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often
My mind is full of doubt;
Now did I put some food away
Or come to take some out?
If it's not my turn to write dear
I hope you won't get sore.
I think I might have written
And don't want to be a bore,
But remember I do love you,
And wish that you lived near,
But now it's time to mail this
And say "goodbye my dear".
I'm standing beside the mail box
And my face - it sure is red,
Instead of posting this to you
I've opened it instead!
How to know when you are getting old
Everything hurts!
What doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye
is the sun shining on your bi-focals.
You feel like the morning after,
but you haven't been anywhere.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You join a health club,
but you don't go.
A dripping tap cause an uncontrollable urge.
You have all the answers,
but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You turn out the light for economy
instead of romance.
You are in a rocking chair,
but can't make it go.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You house is too big,
your medicine box is not big enough.
You sink your steak into a steak,
and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses from the
weight of all the candles.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:
ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran
THREE - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling
apart.
FOUR - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
FIVE - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX - If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT - Some days you're the dog; some days you're the
hydrant.
NINE - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
TEN - Kids in the back seat cause ... accidents.
ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause ... kids.
TWELVE - It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
THIRTEEN - Only time the world beats a path to your door is when
you're in the bathroom.
FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
them on my knees.
FIFTEEN - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN - It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're
everywhere.
SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.
EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what
I'm here after.
NINETEEN - UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT
AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER.
SO LIVE EACH DAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST!
ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'LL BE RIGHT!!!!!
A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I
have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too
much.
They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been
here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and were
silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me
next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent,
stink
like Hell".
"Good," said the doctor. "Now that we've cleared up your
sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Dear Kids,
I am very happy in the residence you have put me in. This week
we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling
very good this week - the friend I shared a room with died
yesterday.
I am coping pretty well will my sorrows.
It's been six months since you've visited me last, I guess you're
all pretty busy.
It's OK, I've learned to use the interenet to pass the time.
And the computer in the rec room has a press decent web cam. So
you can remember what I look like, I have attached a recent picture
of myself.
You all take care, and write to me soon.
Love Grandma
(accompanying picture showed sprightly Grandma making rude one
finger gesture!)
Dear Granny,
Thank you for the lovely letter; my what a surprise!!!!
I'm glad you are happy in the old flea pit; we are also now very
happy, here in your old waterfront mansion.
Oh, while I think of it, can you give us some extra money for your
no doubt approaching funeral? We had to spend the last lot on a
couple of rather large and extravagant parties.
Sorry about the exquisite marble statue, an inebriated guest
tripped on some spilt spaghetti marinara; and grabbed the statue;
which was not attached to the pedestal, (well you couldn't expect
the old piss pot to know that), anyway it went flying and smashed
through your lifelong collection of fine china artifacts and
venetian glass vases, and the hand cut crystal glasses. Oh well,
they were all pretty old, weren't
they! The garden looks ok with the smashed up marble
chips.
You know how it is grandma, these days you get good cheap
practical glasses from Coles, for nothing; they are full of peanut
butter and vegemite. The pristine pure white carpet looks great
with the colourful spaghetti stains; but is starting to smell a bit
off. The cat came in and ate some of it; must have gone off because
two hours later he threw up all over your antique lounge, you know,
the one that nobody is permitted to sit on; oh and he also crapped
all over it. Oh what a revolting putrid mess.
Anyway, that's enough of our news, all is ok really. As far as
your friend goes, well I Guess shit happens. Anyway, go and
have a couple of schooners of VB and a couple of large Scotch's;
even though you don't drint; this would do you the world of good.
The photo is real grouse; good one.
There are some real good places to go on the net; you wouldn't
believe some of the positions and the lovely photographic detail,
perhaps I should send you a list.
By the way, hows your broomstick? are you still flying it; or has
your night vision got worse; don't forget, it is probably due for
it's 1000 hourly inspection, service, and airworthiness
renewal.
I liked your finger gesture! I did that to some stupid old
dickhead the other day; bloody hell, how was I to know that he was
the local area commander of the highway patrol?
The court appearance is in a couple of weeks; I will probably get
you to write me a character reference. I don't know why he got up
tight just because I laid rubber at the lights, and forced him to
brake as there was a car parked in the left lane; well it was in a
no standing zone, five minutes after the time started. I heard that
the guys new Jaguar will be in the panel shop for about six weeks,
and the officer's car had about ten thousand bucks worth of damage.
That's life, pussycat. Anyway we will try to see you soon; you are
eight and a half kilometers away you know.
As always Granny we love you dearly.
See Ya.
your grandson.
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was
so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter
that she
tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their
testicles.
The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she
found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said
Melbourne
police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest
police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as
calm as could be: 'Those ######## will never rape anybody again, by
God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both
his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a
9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate
Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew
Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his
mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his
manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the
way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still
in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive
after what they've been through.
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her
granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by
two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid
row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the
hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those ########
myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled
the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either --
because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I
wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning
one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and
Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven
days prowling the wino-infested neighbourhood where the crime took
place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their
flophouse hotel. I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I
shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she
said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went
back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and
the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right
square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most,
you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up
pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station
and turned myself in.
Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal
with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke
the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in
prison. Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the
city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a
phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from
work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says
that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not
as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she
finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several
times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not
get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she
finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook
it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the
Monday's Lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I
will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends
things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting
to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just
enough for me to notice.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of
her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I
mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's
just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she
needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for
a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock
so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy
on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will
find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating
women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is
simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less
often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
worthwhile.
P.S. Three days ago, Nancy stressed out, and went completely
berserk. She began screaming "That´s enough", several times
and then she began beating me with a baseball bat. I´m
writing this from my hospital bed. I hope she has calmed down by
the time she comes to visit.
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every
conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We
know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame
others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was
NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with
others!!
Updated 15 January 2004